Obviously a lot has been heavy on my mind and heart this past week. Monday was supposed to be a day off, where nothing eventful was really going on. Bo was working, the house was pretty clean, I went to the gym with the girls, got the dry cleaning and came home. And that was when I got the phone call. Mom said, "this is probably it, Granny's breathing has changed and the nurse cannot get a blood pressure." I quickly got Bremer, our babysitter over and headed over. Bo and I were just there the day before. I had prepared myself for this. We have seen her health decline since October. I already prepared her pictures. I had already found certain things she had given to me over the past thirty years. I thought I was ready. I knew she would be in a better place. I knew she would no longer be bothered with doctors, treatments and medications. However, I do not think anything can fully prepare you for death. I have experienced death extremely rapidly with the loss of my 19 year old cousin. And then I have had weeks to prepare me for this.
As I pulled into the driveway it hit me hard that I would probably never walk into her house normally again. There were so many cars there - mom and dad, my uncle, my aunt, nurses, and Robbie. Lindsay was on the way. The house was quiet, dark, and sad. Everyone was crying. Granny was taking very deep breaths in a coma state. We all took turns in and out of her room - always someone holding her hands. Around 4:00 the chaplain arrived. She sat with us briefly and began reading some verses from the Bible. It was me, my aunt and Robbie in the room at the time. The chaplain stopped reading and prayed with us. About fifteen minutes later she read one other verse. She repeated, "peace," "no fear," and "rest." With the repeating of these words Granny's breathing slowed even more... and more... and then it just stopped. It was as though she needed to hear those words. She needed the reassurance that it was okay to leave us. I told her over and over that we would be okay. That she could go and not worry. It was one of the most peaceful moments I have ever experienced. I guess that is why I find it necessary to write about. I will certainly never forget it. As much as I will miss her, I am fully assured by the fact that she went to heaven as those Bible verses were being read. She was listening and she went - right in front of us - as if to give us the reassurance that she too will be okay.
From there we all had the moment of "is this it?" My mom and dad rushed in, we all just held her, hugged her and cried together.
The visitation was this past Wednesday and her funeral was Thursday. She looked absolutely beautiful. We were all very happy with how she looked. We even had her wear the dress she wore to our wedding. She had picked it out, loved it and she looked stunning in it. The girls only attended the reception after the funeral. The girls know that Gigi has gone to live with Jesus, yet we have not had a very in depth discussion with them about it.
I can get past the idea that she is not sick, and I can surely get past the idea that she is in heaven. What I am having a hard time with is that she is not here and how quickly this awful disease took her. I am so used to having my grandmothers at everything - it for some reason cannot register that this happened to her and that she won't be at anything anymore. Even awhile ago I was thinking ahead through this week and stupidly thought my mom had to take Granny to a doctor appointment! My heart just has not added up to my brain. I am sad. I am hurting. My dad is hurting. This is going to be a big absence in our lives. I have been fortunate to not have this feeling for a long time and I am reminded so easily how much it hurts.
This week has been a whirlwind of visitors, cards, flowers, food, condolences, support, and love. Aside from this I also had one of my best friend's deliver her baby early at 27 weeks by emergency C-Section. My cousin on my mom's side of the family also had their baby on Wednesday. Another friend of mine had a fertility procedure this week in hopes of her getting pregnant and another friend of mine is also enduring some very difficult times, which I learned this week. Hopefully things will start looking up.
Friday I went to work and it was good for me. Thank goodness for a great job and great people to work with. Friday night I spent some time with mom, dad, Robbie and Lindsay. We had a meeting to review Granny's plans that she had for us. Dad took us back to the house only to "take it in." We cleaned the kitchen, got some food put away, etc. We walked around holding onto memories - Christmases, Thanksgivings, me running down that hallway when I was little, falling and hurting my tooth - scared Granny so much, me being there when I was little on days I was sick and mom went to work, dad thought back to the hurricane this year and when he had to board up the window that blew out - during the hurricane, days when the weather was bad and we would go to Granny's b/c she had a basement, spaghetti nights, the girls running around her house playing with her stuffed animals, me playing in her jewelry box when I was little - so many things that have influenced my life and remain dear to my heart.
I am truly blessed to have had wonderful, loving grandmothers. I grew up knowing and remembering eight grandparents and great grandparents total. I am down to one grandmother left. My Granny was a special person. She loved, shared, had faith, held her tongue, kept up with fashion, socialized and most importantly, put her family first.
Saturday was a real day of rest. It was rainy and nasty out. We did nothing. The girls took a nap and I watched a movie. When the girls got up we still did nothing. We did cook dinner and I dusted the furniture. Bo and I then watched another movie when the girls went to bed - we watched Courageous. It was a great movie, and although it had some sensitive moments, I think I was just too cried out to cry for a movie. However, it was very good.
Today we went to Sunday school and church. During church Emma said something that made me laugh so hard, and it felt good. Bo gave her some money to put in the offering plate. As the plate made its way toward us, Emma looked at me, still holding the money, and said, "don't we need this for Disney World?" It was like - mom, I'll put it in, but are you sure you have Disney World covered? It was just too funny. Don't worry - we are going to get you to Disney this year!
After lunch I ran to the mall to use my Gymbucks. Since it was so late in the sale I had a hard time getting my sizes for both girls, but I still did pretty good. Although I was not in the mood at all to shop, Gymbucks are just too good to let them expire. I literally went right home after that. Bo and Emma went to the grocery store and that is that.
Here are some drawings Emma did in church today. Her little character drawing was just too cute - done completely on her own. Her handwriting is also improving so much. Emma's little buddy Max also sat beside her in church today. They were too cute sharing crayons quietly and drawing. He just loves her to pieces!
Hannah has been busy potty training since Christmas break. She is doing fabulous. I don't want to say we are "done" yet because I hate to test my luck right now - so for now I will just say, we are very close. Another thing Emma has done a lot of recently is giving us roles based on what movie she is pretending for the day. For example, a few days ago she was Wendy, Bo was Captain Hook, I was Tinkerbell and Hannah was Peter Pan. And.... we have to call each other those names or she gets really mad and reminds us who our character is. Today she was Mary Poppins, I was Jane, Bo was Bert and Hannah was Michael. So darn funny. Hannah also repeated the word "turd" today after Bo said, " you are being a little turd" when putting on her tights for church. Although it as wrong - I had to laugh. She sounded hilarious when saying "tuuuurrrd."
Hopefully this week will be good and I know the days will eventually get easier. For now, I am focused on healing and helping my dad stay busy and happy. Bo will be out of town a lot this week, so I plan on having the girls there this week to keep his mind occupied. Thanks for release of emotion on a forever long blog post.
